Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
