Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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