U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
