I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
