M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
