I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
