I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
