I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
