rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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