this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
