So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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