Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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