At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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