First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
