Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
