Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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