Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
