I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
