Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
