Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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