Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
