Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
