I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
