Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
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