i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
