Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
