I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
