Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am available for nakedness
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