chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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