so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
