Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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