Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
