The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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