And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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