why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
it glows. i had to have it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
