she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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