On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
