That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
