my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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