Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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