You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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