i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
