Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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