...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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