Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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