Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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