My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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