My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
