I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
