The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
