Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
