Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's shark week go big or go home
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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